Wednesday, November 19, 2008

SNOW WHITE?

Geoff Samuels is a good and wholesome young man. He has been brought up to be responsible, and has, in a good and respectable manner, found himself an honest job. Every day, before work, Geoff irons a fresh white shirt. "I am a lucky young man," he frequently says, as he irons, "for I have always wanted to have an honest job, to which I could wear a crisp white shirt every day." Geoff was brought up to believe that things turn out right, and they certainly are turning out right... except for one thing. Geoff desperately, desperately wants a wife. He has a great job that allows him to wear crisp, white shirts, and he has a new black 2005 Honda Civic (he keeps this car shiny by washing it every Monday afternoon), and he is saving up money for a down payment on his own home. He does not however have a lot of confidence in the girl department. That being the case, Geoff keeps himself busy by watching movies.

Now, as previously mentioned, Geoff is a good and wholesome young man. "I do not just watch any old comedy or drama or dramedy," says he. "No, I only watch the most good and most wholesome movies... Disney movies." As Geoff begins to feel more and more lonely, he turns to his old friends for comfort -- Pinocchio, Aladdin, The Princess Bride, The Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White... It is while he is watching these last two movies that Geoff has an epiphany which will change his life.

"Oh my goodness gracious!" he exclaims. "I have just realized something. It is the most fantastic luck for me, because I now know how I can find my true love." The next morning, as usual, Geoff ironed a white shirt. He did so with a special gusto, making the lines on his sleeves as straight as possible. "Today I must look my best, for today is the day that I will meet my wife." After getting dressed (he wore a red tie, "Red is a powerful color, it will impress my wife"), Geoff hurries out the door and goes to the mortuary. Why the mortuary? Well, you see, Geoff is a mortician. Granted, he is not the mortician (that is Ed, whose gray hair nicely contrasts his own crisp, white shirts)... he is more of a junior-level, apprentice-type mortician. But, as noted, it is an honest job, and one day Ed will finally succumb to his work, and Geoff will take his place. Anyway, Geoff hurries into the mortuary and goes downstairs to the "locker room." Once there, he starts opening all of the refrigerated drawers, and evaluating their contents.

"Oh, she is too old..."
"Oh, she is too fat..."
"Oh, she is blond, she might work..."

Within five minutes, Geoff has selected three possible wife candidates. He knows with all of his heart that one of these lucky girls is going to be his beautiful bride. He has also identified his plan D (just in case none of his first choices work), a redhead. Geoff places the three of them onto gurneys, and lines them up one next to the other. They are beautiful! Each is laid out in her Sunday best. Their cool cheeks show a healthy pink glow, thanks to Ed's wife's artful touch. Geoff stands next to the head of the gurneys, and lowers his head until his face is almost touching that of the first girl.

"Are you the one?" he whispers, and then he kisses her (Spiderman style) on her dead, pink lips. He moves to the second girl. "Are you the one?" Another tender kiss. He moves to the third girl and repeats the ritual. When he looks up, Ed is standing in the doorway. His eyes go to Geoff's slightly smudged and unnaturally pink mouth. He is terribly confused.

"Geoff, tell me you're not kissing these dead girls..."

"But Ed, I am. I have kissed each one. Have you seen 'Snow White?'"

"But Geoff," says Ed, as he starts crying a little, "why my little Mary... Why'd you have to do this to her? Why not just the others?"

"Well, I have always had a little bit of a crush on your little Mary, and I have always thought she might make a nice wife."

"Geoff, she's dead. They're all dead... This is sick, this is wrong!"

"But Daddy," says a new voice as both heads swivel to its source, "I'm not dead... Geoff's true love has made me alive."

Mary rises off the gurney and rushes to Geoff. He falls to one knee, and places a ring on her still cold finger. "Mary, will you marry me?"

"Of course I will, Geoff. Of course."

The two lovers embrace and kiss once more. POOF! A skeleton in dark robes appears. He is holding a giant scythe. It is Death. "As I have been robbed today of one life, another life must be given to restore the balance." After saying that, Death chops of Ed's head. "Lo -- it is okay now." With another POOF!, Death vanishes.

Needless to say, both Geoff and Mary are astounded at this surreal turn of events. Geoff turns to Mary and says, "I am the luckiest man in the world, like the Duke of Earl." Mary says, "And I am your girl... the Duchess of Earl! Also, what a powerful tie that is! I do like it so." The two then pick up Ed's pieces and place them on the now empty gurney, and they live happily ever after.

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