Friday, November 21, 2008

Research

So... just in case I find myself in a sorority house and someone asks me what I'm doing these days, I've come up with the following story to tell them.

"So what do you do?"

"Me? I'm a director. I just directed a kids' movie. It just came out. It should be in Wal-Mart pretty soon."

"That's cool. You working on anything now?"

"Yeah, actually. It's the story of a famous director -- he mainly directs Disney movies and is just bored with it. He decides that he just wants to do something that's a little more interesting to him... something about serial killers. So he starts doing some 'research.' He does this by hanging out at college campuses and sorority houses meeting girls. He tells them that he's a director, and they're normally pretty impressed (it being California, everyone has a dream, though hidden it may be in the back of their heads, that they too could probably be a famous actor). Soon enough, they start making out, and then the director says, 'Hey, let's get out of here.' So then they go to the park or something, and he kills them with, I dunno, probably a hammer or his car keys or something."

(Silence).

"So... are you um feeling dangerous or what?"

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

SNOW WHITE?

Geoff Samuels is a good and wholesome young man. He has been brought up to be responsible, and has, in a good and respectable manner, found himself an honest job. Every day, before work, Geoff irons a fresh white shirt. "I am a lucky young man," he frequently says, as he irons, "for I have always wanted to have an honest job, to which I could wear a crisp white shirt every day." Geoff was brought up to believe that things turn out right, and they certainly are turning out right... except for one thing. Geoff desperately, desperately wants a wife. He has a great job that allows him to wear crisp, white shirts, and he has a new black 2005 Honda Civic (he keeps this car shiny by washing it every Monday afternoon), and he is saving up money for a down payment on his own home. He does not however have a lot of confidence in the girl department. That being the case, Geoff keeps himself busy by watching movies.

Now, as previously mentioned, Geoff is a good and wholesome young man. "I do not just watch any old comedy or drama or dramedy," says he. "No, I only watch the most good and most wholesome movies... Disney movies." As Geoff begins to feel more and more lonely, he turns to his old friends for comfort -- Pinocchio, Aladdin, The Princess Bride, The Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White... It is while he is watching these last two movies that Geoff has an epiphany which will change his life.

"Oh my goodness gracious!" he exclaims. "I have just realized something. It is the most fantastic luck for me, because I now know how I can find my true love." The next morning, as usual, Geoff ironed a white shirt. He did so with a special gusto, making the lines on his sleeves as straight as possible. "Today I must look my best, for today is the day that I will meet my wife." After getting dressed (he wore a red tie, "Red is a powerful color, it will impress my wife"), Geoff hurries out the door and goes to the mortuary. Why the mortuary? Well, you see, Geoff is a mortician. Granted, he is not the mortician (that is Ed, whose gray hair nicely contrasts his own crisp, white shirts)... he is more of a junior-level, apprentice-type mortician. But, as noted, it is an honest job, and one day Ed will finally succumb to his work, and Geoff will take his place. Anyway, Geoff hurries into the mortuary and goes downstairs to the "locker room." Once there, he starts opening all of the refrigerated drawers, and evaluating their contents.

"Oh, she is too old..."
"Oh, she is too fat..."
"Oh, she is blond, she might work..."

Within five minutes, Geoff has selected three possible wife candidates. He knows with all of his heart that one of these lucky girls is going to be his beautiful bride. He has also identified his plan D (just in case none of his first choices work), a redhead. Geoff places the three of them onto gurneys, and lines them up one next to the other. They are beautiful! Each is laid out in her Sunday best. Their cool cheeks show a healthy pink glow, thanks to Ed's wife's artful touch. Geoff stands next to the head of the gurneys, and lowers his head until his face is almost touching that of the first girl.

"Are you the one?" he whispers, and then he kisses her (Spiderman style) on her dead, pink lips. He moves to the second girl. "Are you the one?" Another tender kiss. He moves to the third girl and repeats the ritual. When he looks up, Ed is standing in the doorway. His eyes go to Geoff's slightly smudged and unnaturally pink mouth. He is terribly confused.

"Geoff, tell me you're not kissing these dead girls..."

"But Ed, I am. I have kissed each one. Have you seen 'Snow White?'"

"But Geoff," says Ed, as he starts crying a little, "why my little Mary... Why'd you have to do this to her? Why not just the others?"

"Well, I have always had a little bit of a crush on your little Mary, and I have always thought she might make a nice wife."

"Geoff, she's dead. They're all dead... This is sick, this is wrong!"

"But Daddy," says a new voice as both heads swivel to its source, "I'm not dead... Geoff's true love has made me alive."

Mary rises off the gurney and rushes to Geoff. He falls to one knee, and places a ring on her still cold finger. "Mary, will you marry me?"

"Of course I will, Geoff. Of course."

The two lovers embrace and kiss once more. POOF! A skeleton in dark robes appears. He is holding a giant scythe. It is Death. "As I have been robbed today of one life, another life must be given to restore the balance." After saying that, Death chops of Ed's head. "Lo -- it is okay now." With another POOF!, Death vanishes.

Needless to say, both Geoff and Mary are astounded at this surreal turn of events. Geoff turns to Mary and says, "I am the luckiest man in the world, like the Duke of Earl." Mary says, "And I am your girl... the Duchess of Earl! Also, what a powerful tie that is! I do like it so." The two then pick up Ed's pieces and place them on the now empty gurney, and they live happily ever after.

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Saturday, October 25, 2008

Little Shop of Whores

The costume shop on the corner seems like any other costume shop. They have a variety of costumes ranging from naughty nurse to sexy kitten. But as a group of 4 young, hot, and stupid friends are about to find out, it is anything but normal.

It's Halloween already but Chase, Mia, Beth, and Tom still haven't decided what they are going to dress up as, so they are going to the costume shop just to browse and get some ideas. While they are there Tom discovers a secret room in the back. A sign on the door reads "Enter at your own risk!" Tom's curiosity gets the better of him and inside he finds a room full of dusty shelves and random items here and there, including a magic 8 ball. The creepy Asian guy who owns the costume shop warns Tom about the magic 8 ball saying that it can only tell you what you will be for Halloween, but it is always 100% accurate.

The four friends think that the 8 ball must be broken when it tells all of them that they will be rapists. But it isn't broken. It isn't broken at all.

Friday, October 24, 2008

My Boyfriend's Back... For More

Dave and Sue like to make out in the dark. They especially like to make out in the dark after Halloween parties while Sue is still wearing her slutty Halloween outfit. Tonight, as they are making out in Sue's basement, they both notice that it's a little sloppier than normal, but they keep going for it anyway. After a few minutes Sue stops Dave and says "Wow, you're making it kinda wet tonight huh?"

"Me, you're the one drooling all over the place." Dave replies.

Sue gets up and turns on the light. When they see each other they gasp-- Their faces are both smeared with blood.

"What happened?" Beth asks.

Dave answers, "I don't know Sue, either you gave me a bloody nose cause you were going at it so hard, OR I am trying to eat you cause I am an effing Zombie, Bitch!"

Turns out it was the second one. And he did eat her. Well... her brain at least. Though he found it to be less than filling.

Of course, I could have told him that by looking at her Halloween costume.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The OTHER Ryan White Story

It's October 31, 1984 and Martin can't wait for the trick-or-treaters. Halloween is easily Martin's favorite holiday, probably because it combines two of Martin's favorite things: kids and costumes. Martin is new to this neighborhood and doesn't know what time to expect trick-or-treaters, but he sure doesn't want to miss them so he made sure to finish the last batch of chocolate covered GHB before 4 PM just in case. Martin has been laying low for the last month and a half so none of his neighbors have gotten to know him that well, and none of his neighbors suspect a thing...

Unfortunately, neither does Martin. You see, because he hasn't gotten to know his neighbors he doesn't know that the 13 year old boy next door is a hemophiliac. Nope, all Martin knows is that the kid looks pretty good in that Superman suit. And he knows he's going to leave the mask on...

Roe(bot) VS Wade

In the year 2010 professional athletes are in danger of becoming obsolete. No, not because society realized that watching someone else play a game is a waste of time. But because the rich white people that own the sports teams realized that people will still watch the games even if they replace the athletes with robots. But Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World John H. Wade isn't about to let that happen. He challenges the robot boxer and the robot boxer is programed to accept that challenge. John gets ready for what promises to be the fight of the century through a montage composed of shots including but not limited to John jumping rope, John lifting weights, John punching a speed bag, John running through the city, John doing sit-ups, and John injecting steroids in between his toes. This montage will also include shots of the robot powered down and sitting in a closet for storage. The night of the big fight John's wife tries to convince him not to fight the robot by reminding him that his punches are not likely to have any effect besides possibly shattering the bones in his own hand. But John gives a long monologue about how he can't just sit back and let robots steal jobs away from professional athletes (this is where I will tell the audience the theme ;)). About 90 seconds into the first round, after John has shattered all the bones in both of his hands, the robot successfully lands a punch to John's body with such force that his chest collapses and his heart stops immediately. The good news is that the robot did not hit him in the face and Mrs. Wade is able to have an open casket funeral.

I am thinking of two possible sequels. Either the robot becomes sentient and develops a moral opposition to killing innocent boxers and decides to use his abilities to become a bouncer that cleans up rowdy bars, I'll call it "Ro(bot)ad House", OR the rich white people that be decide that they will make much more money if they continue to pit robots against humans, who have no chance of survival, and recruit their fighters from prisons by offering freedom to any inmate that can beat the robot, I would call this one "Death Race 2 The Ring"

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

KKKostume

Halloween time comes again, and now it's time for a tale of mistake identity. FREDDY IS CLUTCH! FREDDY IS A BALLER! FREDDY DECIDES TO DRESS AS A KKK MEMBER FOR HALLOWEEN! Things are going ok, and he's out trick-or-treating with his boyz. He's all like, "Yo, this is FOR REAL--this is REAL CANDY, MAN. Can because he fixes it with love and makes the world go round." Anyway, these other YOUNG HUSTLERS come up to him and start beating him because of his costume. They're like, "THIS IS RACIST, PUNK!" He's like, "No, it ain't! Hold up, this ain't racist!" He tears off his KKK hood and shows that he is indeed a black man. No, wait--he is a white man wearing blackface dressed as a KKK member. Before he can even say, "Like Dave Chappelle!" he has been CAPPED DEAD.

Sadomasochist, a Poem

A person that loves
Pain and pleasure.

Alone they're fine,
But they're better together.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Suicide Pact

It's been a while since we've posted but that doesn't mean we haven't had any good ideas for movies.

For example here is a good idea that I had and was so excited about I started writing it already. This is rough and is riddled with spelling and grammatical errors but it will give you a general idea.

In the pages that follow this sample Matthew keeps trying to kill himself and Nathan keeps stopping him so eventually Matthew has to kill Nathan in order to kill himself. I especially like this idea because it has a good message that you shouldn't convince other people to kill themselves cause then they might kill you too.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Sleeping With the Enemy

I am picturing this as a high school date movie in the same vein as She's All That or 10 Things I Hate About You.

Eric is in love. Beth is the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. She is confident, smart and fun and Eric just can't get enough of her. The only problem is that she doesn't even know he exists. He tries his best to get noticed, leaves notes in her locker, he memorizes her class schedule, tries to sit close to her at lunch, and takes a similar route home from school. When all of this fails Eric comes up with a crazy plan to get Beth to go to the prom with him.
Eric creates an alternate persona using MySpace and Facebook. Carlos, a foreign exchange student from Spain who is super sexy and has "just moved in" with Eric's family. Using the internet "Carlos" bcomes friends with Beth and all of her friends. This finally gets Eric some attention because he is the host of this new European heartthrob, but all anyone ever talks to Eric about is where Carlos is and Eric has to resort to all sorts of zany things to cover up the fact that Carlos isn't real.
Finally Beth agrees to go to the prom with Carlos but Eric shows up saying that Carlos had a family emergency and asked Eric to go instead and that he would try to meet up with Beth later. Beth is disappointed but agrees to go with Eric. They have a nice time and as Beth gets to know Eric better she realizes that he is pretty funny and kind of cute.
Then Eric takes Beth to a hotel where he says Carlos will meet her. Beth suggests Eric stay and hang out with her until Carlos comes. Eric is so happy. This is his dream come true, except for the Carlos part. Eric finally has the courage to tell the truth.
"Beth... Carlos isn't coming. I am Carlos and I love you."
Eric was hoping that Beth would realize that the man she had been in love with all along was really Eric and then they would make sweet love. Instead Beth is actually kind of creeped out. No, she is REALLY creeped out. She tries to leave but Eric doesn't let her and when she tells Eric that he is a psycho and that she could never love him he holds a pillow over her face until her body stops writhing and she is finally at peace.
Eric needs to hide the body. Because she would never sleep with him in life, Eric takes the body back to his house and stuffs it into his mattress so that he can sleep with it every night. And they all live happily ever after.
Except for Beth. She's dead.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Twin Versus Twin

OK, so this is going back to television. The idea is for a fictional narrative that follows the format of a reality TV program. The premise is that in every set of twins there is an evil twin. So this show groups 10 sets of twins on an island in the middle of the Pacific, they have 8 weeks to prove that they are the non-evil twin because each non-evil twin wins $25,000. BUT, somewhere during the first week there are sightings of other people on the island. Eventually it comes out that this is the second time that they have tried to film this reality TV but the first time all the evil twins killed everyone, because they are evil. Now there are 20 evil twins, 10 non-evil twins, and a camera crew locked in an all out battle for survival. I was going to call it like Survival, or Surviving or something.... but then I realized Twin Versus Twin was a way more realistic name for a reality TV show.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Sleepless in Detroit

Nancy is a beautiful girl and her boyfriend Herbert is a beautiful boy. They are very much in love. Getting married and providing the world with beautiful babies seems as natural as gravity. It turns out that Nancy isn't happy though. She wants more. She breaks off the relationship, blaming Herbert for not being romantic enough. This is, of course, a HUGE blow to Herbert, who is, in fact, a massive romantic. He has memorized several passages from Romeo and Juliet, and when he gets bored at work, he imagines himself and Nancy as acting those scenes out.

Anyway, back to Nancy. Alright, so admittedly, that was a bit of a cheeky tart move that she pulled, but she's over it--okay? So let's not dwell in the past... she's not. She's enrolled herself on Match.com. For just $20 a month, she is guaranteed a perfect mate. Nancy though has decided that she is not shallow, and chooses the Match.com option to not see the profile pictures. She has decided to find a mate who is compatible with her intellectually and emotionally (and not just another beautiful boy). She finds a suitably compatible profile, and they begin exchanging flirtatious messages. Eventually, they decide to meet up at one of her favorite restaurants.

The big night comes. Nancy is shown to her table. She can see her mate from across the room. His face is turned away from her, but she notices the classy tweed jacket, the straight neck line of his freshly cut hair, the elegant arch from his shoulder to his neck... She comes up from behind him, and covers his eyes. 'Guess who?' He says, 'Nancy!' Oh snap! Guess who it is? It's Herbert. Match.com had paired them back together because they really were perfect together.

'Oh well,' says Herbert, 'this night won't go exactly as I thought it would, but still, this is perfect. There's been something I've been wanting to do...'

At that, he grabs a glass of wine, adds a few drops of poison, and then grabs Nancy's jaws, forcing open her mouth and depositing the wine. She dies quickly. He then adds the rest of the poison to his wine glass, and says 'O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die.' At that point, he goes to kiss Nancy, but he dies, and there they lie with their faces mashed together. Dead.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

This Is How I Feel About Offices


Can you say "Storyboardzz!!!!"?I would like to thank Abraham for turning me on to this... Now, don't be harsh, it's my first one...

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

JP's Big Adventure

There is this guy named Jacob but he goes by JP and he is in love with his neighbor... let's call her DP. One blessed Sunday JP's minister delivers a powerful sermon about the benefits of marriage so JP decides to ask his neighbor to marry him. She agrees and they set a wedding date.

THEN one week before the wedding JP is in a terrible should-be-fatal head-on collision... but miraculously he doesn't die. The driver of the other car, however, is hospitalized in critical condition. Let's cal her JG.

THEN the day before the wedding JG miraculously heals and the next day she attends JP and DP's wedding she wasn't really invited but no one says anything cause the groom did almost kill her last week before she miraculously survived. During the wedding dinner DPP chokes on a chicken bone. She turns blue and passes out and everybody panics except for JG who miraculously remembers the Heimlich maneuver from when they taught it to her in elementary school. So DPP miraculously survives and JG decides to become a doctor because of the sense of fulfillment she got from miraculously saving DPP's life and JP and DPP live happily ever after.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Chrismas Got Run Over By A Reindeer!!!

This fun film is like Christmas with the Kranks meets the elk from the Ring 2!!! A family (let's call them the Kranks) decides that they're not going to celebrate Christmas this year... they're just going to take it easy. They rent out a lake house in the small town of Eiderdown, Washington. It was the wrong town to pick for 2 reasons--1) The folks in Eiderdown LOVE Christmas! Eiderdown is in fact the Christmas Tree Capitol of the United States! Every year, approximately 1300 Christmas trees are harvested from the dark, green mountains surrounding the town. 2) Those same lush, dark, green mountains are also home to some hungry-for-human-flesh elk (or reindeer, I mean, hey--this is a Christmas movie!). They start attacking the Eiderdowners on the street. The elk put the dead Eiderdowners' clothes on their antlers like flags of victory. The remaining Eiderdowners (including that Kranky "we're not going to celebrate Christmas" family) barricade themselves in the town hall, where they were ironically planning on being that night anyway because they were going to have the town's annual Christmas tree Charity Auction. 100 (!) different trees had been decorated and placed in the town hall for a showcase. This night however, their thoughts turned from helping others to helping themselves. They sharpened the points of all the Christmas trees and laid them on the ground. They then tied Christmas lights around them, so that they could raise the tips. Then--they opened the doors, and hilarity ensues!!! Just picture an entire herd of crazed elk running down poor Eiderdowners, only to be skewered, at the last second, on a beautiful Christmas tree. So much red and green! The Kranks learn a valuable lesson--you should never not celebrate Christmas or not have a Christmas tree.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Gladiator

There is a Gladiator who is a gladiator among gladiators. His bronze skin glistens. His hard eyes are like blue diamonds. His hair is cut like a Roman. He fights for many things, especially for his wife. He doesn't know that she is dead though. Whenever he wins, he asks the crowd what they want to see -- "Do you want to see his blood?" They always yell back a response, and no matter what it is, he kills them anyway, because you can't escape death.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

To Kill a Mocking... Guy

This movie starts with a bunch of small children talking about what they want to do when they grow up. After several different responses we finally come to William our main character, who says that he wants to be a serial killer. We then see several different shots of William as he is growing up, sitting in front of the tv watching a news report about a serial killer, reading a stack of books in the library about different murder cases, reading an anatomy book and making different cuts on a dummy, and he does various other things to prepare him to be a world class serial killer. Then he plans out the perfect murder to start his career as a serial killer but he is unable to follow through with it. He just can't bring himself to kill someone. William gets really depressed and doesn't know what to do with his life because he can't be what he always wanted to be. Then one day William sees an ad on tv offering a reward for any information leading to the arrest of a serial killer. William thinks that he will be able to solve the case because he knows so much about serial killing. But as he gets deeper and deeper into the investigation William realizes that the serial killer is using all of Williams methods and plans, and the serial killer realizes that someone is on his trail. So it becomes a contest to see who can out serial kill the other. When things get dangerous will William finally be able to overcome his fears and murder someone dead?

Diversity 3

A man is standing on a ledge, holding a notepad and a pen. He writes something, then sets them both down. There's a crowd gathered. A policeman on a megaphone is trying to talk him down. The man moves as if to jump, then stops and says, "April Fools! I'm not going to kill myself! It's all a big joke!" Everyone is laughing, and then the man jumps to his death. We pan over to the notepad and it says "Double Sike! Not everyone has the same sense of humor, and that's ok. Diversity!"

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Diversity 2

So, here is the second idea that I had for a public service announcement dealing with diversity. This one also deals with the fact that many of us think different things are funny.

It's late at night and a woman is walking home by herself. She turns down a dark alley. Suddenly a man grabs her arm and she is startled. she tries to run but he trips her. She scrambles back up to her feet but the man grabs around her waste and lifts her off of her feet slamming her back down on the ground and landing on top of her. She struggles and squirms under his weight. He draws a knife and holds it to her throat and she stops struggling. She looks into her attackers eyes and he says "Just kidding." He then puts the knife away and helps the woman to her feet. As she stands up she starts laughing hysterically and the attacker joins her. Then the slogan comes on screen. "Not everyone has the same sense of humor, and that's ok. Diversity!"

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Riddle Me This...

I heard a good riddle the other day that I thought could be made into a cool movie. i will just write out the riddle... it's pretty much how the movie will be except for the whole question at the end.

Jim and Hank were best friends and had been for the last 6 years. When they were 9 years old Jim had moved into Hanks neighborhood and they became good friends right away. Tonight they had gone to their secret spot where they liked to go just to get away from it all. It was an old abandoned barn about 5 mile out of town. They would ride their bikes out there and play around inside all day. Last summer they had gone there nearly every day and had made a club and brought some of their friends along. But tonight it was just them.

They had decided to sleep over at the old barn and they lay up in the hay loft looking out a large window at the full moon. They had been laying there talking about girls for hours and they had no idea what time it was. Probably around 2 or 3 in the morning. All of a sudden they heard something. They thought it was just an animal at first, it was coming from outside and it sounded like a bat squealing. As the sound came closer they could make out sniffling sounds, something was crying. Then they heard the barn door open. Hank looked to Jim wide eyed with fear, Jim shushed him. They could clearly make out the sound now, It was a woman crying, her voice was timid as she said over and over "Please no, Please, please don't do this." Then they heard a man's voice, it was harsh "QUIET."

Jim and Hank listened intently as the man ad woman made their way through the barn to the back, where there was a ladder up to the hay loft. The man said "Climb." Then the woman's protests grew even more earnest "Please no. Not up there. Please just let me go home." The man again "QUIET!" And this time it was followed by a loud crack, and then silence. Hank looked to Jim again and mouthed the words "What do we do?" Jim mouthed back "I don't know." Then Jim got up quietly and went to the window. It was much to far to jump. He would break his leg, and for sure the man would hear his fall. he laid back down in his spot. The man and woman had begun climbing the ladder. Suddenly they heard a crash and someone sprinting out the door to the barn. Heavier footsteps followed right after.

Jim turned to Hank, "Now is our chance. Let's get out of here." "But what if he is right outside?" Hank answered. "It's better than being caught up here. At least we'll have somewhere to run."Jim and Hank got up and quietly made their way over to the ladder when they heard someone burst through the barn doors. The crying was back but was more earnest now. This time the footsteps moved through the barn more slowly. And now there was this scrapping sound as if something was being dragged across the floor of the barn. Hank and Jim went back to their spots and tried to bury them selves under the hay. It wasn't' working to well, when Jim happened to looked up and saw a can of red paint hanging from a rafter right above their heads. "Take off your shirt" he whispered to Hank.

Hank looked at Jim confused. Jim said again sternly "Take off your shirt." As he himself had begun to undress. Hank took off his shirt and gave it to Jim, who said "The pants and the underwear too." Hank was baffled, but his friend was stripping down to nothing so he did it too. Jim took all the clothes and hid them in the hay. "Lay back down." Jim said as he grabbed the can of paint and tried to pry it open. "There is a pocket knife in my pants." Hank whispered.

As Jim cut around the crusted paint with Hank's knife they could hear the man and woman once again climbing the ladder. They could hear the woman struggling and crying, and the man just kept saying "Shut up. SHUT UP." Jim popped the top off of the red paint can. However old it was there was still some good paint in it. The man and woman were in the hay loft now. The man was carrying a flashlight and he used it to hit the woman three or four times. "I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!" Jim and Hanks hearts were racing. Jim told Hank to lay down then he poured some red paint on his neck and body and whispered "no matter what happens don't move." Then Jim laid down next to him, pouring the rest of the red paint on himself and stuffing the paint can in the hay.

The woman was quiet now after the beating she had taken and the man led her by the arm towards where the boys were lying. The boys did their best to not even breathe as they heard the footsteps come closer and closer and then stopped. It was quiet. A loud scream broke the silence. The woman had seen two naked boys covered in blood lying in the hay. "Is that what you are going to do to me?" she screamed and then began sobbing uncontrollably. The man turned and saw the boys "What the *#@$ is this?" He said. The woman kept crying and repeating over and over "Please don't kill me, please don't kill me. I won't tell anyone about these boys, just don't kill me." There was a loud crack as he the man hit her again with the flashlight. "SHUT UP! ...I didn't kill these boys. I don't know where the hell they came from. Just let me think for a minute." and then it was quiet.

Hank and Jim did their best not to move a muscle. Hank prayed that neither the man or woman was looking but he didn't dare check and see. He had to take a breath. His chest moved up and down slightly but no one seemed to notice. He was relieved. Then the man said to the woman "Stay right here, I need to get something from my car. If you so much as move I swear I will kill your whole family." The man left. He climbed down the ladder and left the barn.

Then silence.

There was no way to tell how long they all lay there but Jim guessed it had been about forty minutes. Every now and then the woman would cry, but then she would stop and just sniffle until she cried again. Jim was hoping that the man had decided that he didn't want to deal with the chance of getting charged with three murders instead of just one and had just left the woman here and ran. But it had been so quiet and he had listened for a car engine but hadn't heard any. Jim wanted to ask the woman how far away the man was parked, but also didn't think it was safe to reveal that they weren't dead yet. The other thought he kept having was that the man was just making room for the two extra bodies. Jim thought he heard a car door close... but he wasn't sure. Now he was just waiting for an engine or for the barn door...

Suddenly Jim felt something... It startled him. It was someone's hand on his genitals. He screamed "What the hell?" At this both the woman and Hank were startled and yelled out. The sight of the once dead boys now coming to life scared the woman so terribly that she screamed and screamed and then passed out. The man who actually had been arranging his car so that he could transport the other bodies without getting any blood on his seats, was now just outside the barn. He heard the woman screaming bloody murder and heard the other man's voice. He figured that whoever had killed the boys was up there hacking away at his would be victim and he got scared. He ran to his car and drove away determined to put as much distance between him ad that barn as he could.

When Jim and Hank heard the screeching wheels of the man's car they knew he had left and quickly got dressed and left the unconscious woman in the barn, riding away on their bikes.

BUT WHOSE HAND WAS IT?

Thursday, March 6, 2008

The Special Two

I can't take full credit for this idea. But I will take full credit for writing it out. So basically, there is this guy and this girl who both happen to be walking down the same street and they catch each other's eye. He says "Hey baby, you got plans tonight?" and she answers "I don't know do we?" Then they go to a Hotel and get a couple drinks at the bar before heading up to a room. After about... I don't know, let's say 40 minutes, they are getting dressed in the hotel room and the guys says to the woman "By the way, I only take cash."
She answers "You only take cash? You mean you only have cash?"
"No I only take cash but I do have some cash if you need change?"
She's confused and asks "Why would I need change?"
This goes around and around for another... I don't know, let's say 8 minutes. Then they finally realize that they are both prostitutes. Of course they each insist that the other pay while they also each refuse to. Additionally, it turns out that they have the same pimp, and because of his very strict collection policy he is foced to shoot them both in the head. He's not sweating it though because he has plenty more prostitutes where they came from.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Diversity

Ok so as long as we are branching off and doing TV now, I had an idea for a series of public service announcements that promote diversity. The first Ideas that I had highlight the fact that everyone has a different sense of humor, and that's ok. I am thinking of three initial spots with more to follow. I'll just give the first one today.

Ok, so in this first one there is a kid in the park and we see someone grab him and start running. Then we hear a doorbell and cut to a door opening and a woman answers and sees a ransom note. She closes the door and then two guys carry something covered in a blanket onto the porch, ring the doorbell and run away. The woman ad her husband come to the door. She has been crying. They take the blanket off and it is their son tied up on a chair. There is a note that says "Just kidding" The parents start laughing hysterically and then the slogan comes on screen. "Not everyone has the same sense of humor, and that's ok. Diversity!"

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Quiz Show

Okay, so there is this quiz show host and his show gets canceled and he kind of flips out and so he is like abducting people from his network and he takes them out into the woods and then he asks them to name three things that are more delicious than a toasted peanut butter and honey sandwich and then when they do he kills them. He does this to like 15 people and then finally one of them is like Nothing is more delicious than a toasted peanut butter and honey sandwich. Then the host is like "You're right." and he doesn't kill him. Instead he forces his abductee to marry him at gunpoint. And they live happily ever after. THE END

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Hidden Camera Show

I realize this is for movies, but hey--I'm branching out into TV. So you hire actors to play jokes on delivery guys (much like MySpaceTV's new show 'Delivery'). For example, an actor, with both arms in casts, is trying to eat Cheetos, but can't get the Cheetos to their mouth. A delivery guy shows up right then, and the arm guy tries to get the delivery guy to help him put the Cheetos in his mouth. The broken arm actor is playing a joke on the delivery guy, but really the joke is on the broken arm actor, because that delivery guy, seeing that the person is somewhat delibitated (seeing as both arms are in fully functional casts) starts touching the broken arm person in a creepy way, and the broken arm person is powerless to stop it. Little does the broken arm actor know that the delivery guy is also an actor, an actor in the hit hidden camera TV show 'Sexual Harassment.'

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Three Men and a Little Secret

Richard, Will and Scott were the best of friends from elementary until high school. After Graduation they took their senior trip to Mexico where something so happened that they swore never to tell anyone about. They remained close friends but never spoke of what happened in Mexico. Now 15 years later Scott has learned that his best friends have both been killed on the same night. Scott is convinced that the murders are linked to what happened 15 years earlier. He is also convinced that he will be next so he starts his own investigation. It all slowly unravels and we learn that 15 years ago the three friends got stranded in Mexico and they broke into the home of a Mexican family ad sot them all and stole their money and car to get back to America. We also learn that the murders weren't done by Mexicans seeking revenge, but it turns out that Richard and Will had slept together once and Richard was in love with Will but Will regretted the whole thing and never wanted to see Richard again. So Richard shot Will and went home and killed himself but since he left no note everyone assumed it was murder. And that's why you always leave a note.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Pulp Friction

Trevor is a funny guy--a reaaaaaaal funny guy. Because he is so funny, he gets a girlfriend that is WAY out of his league. He gets caught speeding, but, because he is funny, he gets out of the ticket. He votes for Ron Paul, and all his political friends lambast him for wasting his vote, but he makes a funny joke, and everyone is like, "Yeah, that's so true! THAT'S SO TRUE!!!" One day, Trevor gets caught selling rocks of crack to kids in high school. Trevor isn't sweating it though, he's feeling really funny on the day of his trial. He cracks some jokes for the judge and the jury. They're loving it, I mean, it's their McDonalds... They're really eating it up. Trevor gets put away for life though. Let's see how the pipe-laying brothers in jail like his jokes now.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Big Brother is Watching

Mac is a nice enough guy, he is pretty quiet and mostly keeps to himself. He also happens to have inherited 50 million dollars when he was 12 years old, so he hasn't really ever worked a day in his life. In fact Mac is quite possibly the laziest guy on the planet. All this changes though when Mac irresponsbly causes a terrible accident, and while no one is seriously injured Mac is sentanced to 1000 hours of community service. All of a sudden Mac has to get up and do something and at first he is very resistant. But after some trial and error Mac finally finds his calling, as a volunteer at Big Brothers Big Sisters. By volunteering as a Big Brother, Mac is able to work off his community service hours doing the two things that he is best at: 1. spending money on fun activities for less fortunate children, and 2. being a pedophile.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

This is for a movie about me.

10 years ago
10 years ago, I was in Driver's Ed. There was a beautiful red headed girl in my class. The only hot red head in the world. Also, a kid shorter than me (who I ran into last time I was home, he was working at a pizza place and was just about to be a father) stole my wallet and threw it on the roof of the driver's ed building. That was the last time i ever saw my weezer fan club card.

5 things on my to do list today

1. send notwist song to rob
2. send notes to kc
3. take picture of karl, which i already forgot to do
4. photoshop pics
5. start fast

5 snacks I enjoy

1. blood
2. sailor blood (and by that i mean sailor moon)
3. sacrificed goat's blood
4. trigger's blood
5. tango n cash's blood

What I would do if I was given a billion dollars

buy clubs and let them get popular and really full and then burn it. that's part of the fun--it's dangerous, you never know when it would go up. i mean, i'd let people know "one of these days i'm gonna burn this place down when it's full of people, maybe even tonight." that way i wouldn't feel bad, because hey--they knew.

3 bad habits

1. cant stand daylight so i avoid it
2. i slap people all the time, in their faces, they look so surprised, it's funny
3. taking blood without asking for it

5 places I have lived

1. 1820s
2. wallachia
3. london
4. forks, wa
5. la

5 jobs I have had

1. temp
2. intern
3. pa
4. unemployed
5. model for drawing class

5 things people don't know about me

1. i was homeschooled for jr and sr kindergarten
2. i dug my dog up and tried to bring it back to life (it was in our backyard)
3. it worked, and later when i died, the dog dug me up--that's why dogs are better than cats, cats can't even dig
4. nipples the size of saucers
5. i have said seen christian bale 3 times already in los angeles, once i nodded and he nodded back

this is the part where the girls come in and we all dance to a sweet reggae song

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

YOU GOT VLOGGED!

So the basic idea is the same as You Got Served, except they aren't dancing, they are double dutch jump roping. The other major difference is that it happens online. This guy films a video of him double dutching and then he posts it on youtube with a challenge to anyone who thinks that they can out jump him him. Many people post videos in response to his challenge and soon the competition is in full swing to see who can post the illest double dutch video. Who will be the best?

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

LA Story

Terry is trying to meet some ladies. His friends at the office set him up with a girl they know. "A real looker," they promise. Her name is Rita, and she's their waitress at the local TGIF. Terry picks her up and takes her to a nice little Italian restaurant called Italios. They have some incredibly interesting small talk about how Rita is trying to become a model and an actress. Terry has no ambition--it having been completely beat out of him by college. Rita continues--she just did a commercial, that was like, totally the funnest day ever. All she had to do was lie in a bikini in the sand and drink margaritas and she did! And they were real! And she totally got wasted! And paid for it! Terry nods. He's really enjoying himself. At that very moment, Bruce Willis walks in. "OH MY GOSH!!!! It's BRUCE... BRUCE WILLIS!" she points to Bruce Willis. "Isn't this like totally blowing your mind?" Terry thinks about this, then nods. "You know, it is." At this point, Terry's head explodes just like a watermelon with an M80.

The Dark Knight Returns

Nevermind.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

10 Things I Hate About Losing 27 Dresses in 10 Days

Ok, so there is like this guy and this girl who are both writers and they meet like once or twice and they totally judge each other and don't like each other. But then they realize that they can use each other to write a story that will get them a promotion so they start spending a lot of time together. But the thing is that they start actually liking each other. Then they fight and it is really hot so they just start making out instead of fighting. At some point they have sex. For a while things are going really well but for some unknown reason they never really communicate and tell each other about the real reason that they started spending time together, maybe they are like afraid to or something. Then they find out about each others original intentions and she gets pissed and she won't let him explain that he really does love her and vice versa, so then they go their seperate ways until they realize that they still love each other and one of them races to find the other one to tell them how they feel while the other one frantically writes a poem about how in love they are. And they make out some more.

They live happily ever after.

...That is until the lust wears off and they go through a messy divorce and end up hating each other after battling it out for custody of their two children.

North by Northeastern

"Hello Roger!" yells Roger's mother up at him. "It's time to get up now!" Roger doesn't answer. He has run away. He has run to a boardwalk in New Jersey, and has fallen in with a gang. A really bad gang. This gang is the talk of the town, the people AND police are even scared of this gang! Roger at first is happy to find friends, but he realizes (after witnessing some horrible things) that they are evil. They induct him into their gang by tattooing their gang name on his forearm. Their gang is called "Chain of Gangs." He decides he wants to leave, but they won't let him go. They say that now their name is on him, and he's with them now. So he's handcuffed in a cellar, but he calls his mom and she's like, "Come home, Roger, come home." So he does, but to do that he bites his arm off (the one with the name) and he's like "Now your name isn't on me!!" But you can't recover from something like that, and he dies.

Monday, January 21, 2008

South

When white supremisist Norton Bailey turns 18 his white supremisist parents reveal to him that he is not their biological son. This shakes the foundations of Norton's reality, he suddenly finds himself flooded with questions about who he really is. So Norton seeks out an agency that reunites estranged family members through DNA testing. The test results come in the mail and reveal that Norton's real father is a man named Charles. The letter also designates a time and place where they can meet. When Norton arrives at the park where the meeting was arranged the only person there is a black man who turns out to be Norton's father Charles. Norton really struggles with this revelation because he was always taught that poeple from other races were subhuman, but as he sits down and talks to Charles he learns a valuable lesson: People should only be judged by the good that they accomplish in life, not by the color of their parents skin. However a 20 minute chat with some guy at a park isn't going to erase 18 years of neo-nazi indoctrination and he still belives that people should be judged on the color of their own skin. So he lynches Charles. When he gets back to his adoptive parents and tells them about everything they have a much different view point on the situation. They believe that you should be judged by the color of you parents skin because you aren't really white unless you are pure white. So they slip Norton some heavy sleeping pills and hang him in the tree in the backyard. I think that Angelina Jolie would be perfect for the part of Nortons racist Mother.

Christmas with the Crank

Okay--so somehow Santa makes a horrible mistake and mixes up all of his orders from rural areas in West Virginia with those of little schoolchildren. The parents are a little surprised to find amphetamines under the tree, but their general feeling is one of trust towards Santa, so they let it slide thinking, "Well, Santa has been doing this for a long time. He probably knows what he's doing." Anyway--they were wrong. Those kids are dead now.

Wishes

Tom is turning 30. He is still single and he hasn't really accomplished much with his life so he is apprehensive about his upcoming birthday. A good friend of Tom's is a succesful archeologist and brings Tom a present from one of his excavations for his birthday. It is an ancient oil lamp and one day as Tom is polishing it a Genie comes out and tells him that he has three wishes. The next day Tom gets fired from his job as the night manager at Radio Shack, and as he is contemplating how his crappy life just got even crappier he says "I wish I was dead." Well at that moment the genie appears and shoots him in the face. Then he wakes up in hell (cause let's face it God is not going to let some schmuck wish his way into heaven) and he is like "where am I" and the genie is there and tells him he is dead. Then Tom asks why asks why the genie shot him instead of using his genie magic, and the genie is like "I am just a genie I don't have power over life and death... which incidentaly means if you wish to be alive again there is nohing I can really do about that." So then Tom is way bummed and he lives the next week in hell and it really sucks cause everyone is so depressed and all there is to do is walk to the library of hell and the only books they have are R.L. Stien's Goosebumps series. So Tom is like "Man I wish Hell didn't suck so bad" so then the Genie brings him a pool table and a Nintendo Wii. After a couple days Tom starts to make a lot of friends because on the Wii you can make little people that look like you and the people in hell thnk that is pretty cool. So Tom begins to like being dead more than being alive except that he is really thirsty so he wishes for 64 ounce Coke. But then the coke is flat.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Hellbear

Okay so dude there is like this total like... like GUY, right? and he's like totally like like like STRUNG OUT, man--okay, so he's like strung out--okay? okay. and so he takes this giant teddy bear and he's like, "This will protect me, man! This will protect me!" So he's holding this giant toy over his shoulder like a fireman with someone who's like passed out because of fire. So like this guy is running around with this teddy bear like he's a totally crazy guy, and he's like so high, and man he is like running in traffic and this big truck comes and it's about to hit him, then the teddy bear totally stands up and then it punches the semi and the SEMI FLIPS RIGHT OVER THE TOP OF THE BEAR AND THIS GUY!!! OHHHH MAAAAAAN!!!! THAT IS SOME CRAZY STUFF!!!! Like man, I'm like--shoot dude, this is... this is too crazy. I'm like flipping out right now!!! So this bear has to find Hitler, right? And kill him cause he's totally in league with the devil... Oh, and that guy isn't high, because this is a kids' movie, but he just got like an A+ at spelling and is totally psyched up about that!!! What?

Game Over

Harold has the perfect life, a great job as CEO of an up and coming cmpany, a beautiful wife, three great kids, and his own little palace in the suburbs. But Harold has been having headaches lately. He makes an appointment with the doctor and after some tests he is sent to a specialist who discovers that Harold has a malignant brain tumor. The bad news is it's terminal. The good news is he still has another four to eight months to live. Suddenly Harold becomes obsessed with tying up loose ends. He spends all his time calling old friends to say goodbye, resolving unresolved disputes, and trying to finish everything he's ever started. Mostly this means video games. There are hundreds of video games that Harold had played once or twice but had never finished and now he is on a mission to beat them all. He quits his job and basically lives in the basement playing video games, coming up to eat once, sometimes twice a day. His wife wants to go on a long vacation so that their family can enjoy his last days on earth and so the kids will have some great last memories of him. But Harold can't agree to this unless he is able to complete the games he has been playing first. His wife is so upset by this that she unplugs Harold's game and yells "If all you are going to do is play these stupid video games then you are already dead to me." Then Harold ties her up and gags her and sticks her in the closet. He tells the kids that their Mommy didn't love them anymore and so she left and that he can't take care of them because he is dying. Then he drives them to an orphanage. He goes back to his games and four months later Harold emerges from the basement having completed all the games that he had started throughout the years. His tumor finally gets the best of him and he passes out as he is going through his empty refrigerator. He never wakes up. Because his wife is dead in the closet and his kids are now orphans, no one is there to clean him up when he has his final bowel movement.

The Appraisal of Middle Earth

Tolkienist fantasy meets the high octane wheeling and dealing of the real estate business.

This thing practically writes itself.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Superman Returns!

Okay, this is a story about a street kid named Superman. He doesn't really know where he's from, or who he's from or anything like that. Nobody else does either. He's like this awesome runner though, and everyone calls him Superman because he is as fast as a flash of lightning! There is this one kid with new shoes, and everyone is like, "Dope!!! THOSE SHOES ARE ILL!!!" They're the new Nikes and they're all colorful!!! And so this kid Superman goes, "Man, those shoes ain't nothin'." And then they race. And Superman wins. And then this kid is like, "Yeah, but you can't beat my brother!" His brother also has new colorful Nikes, and tight jeans, and probably a v-neck t-shirt from AA. And Superman beats him... but he beats him running backwards!!! SO IT'S LIKE A DOUBLE DISS!!! And as Superman is like being hugged by these ghetto kids who are like "You are awesome, Superman!", the older brother shoots Superman. Superman goes down, all the kids scatter, and then the older brother comes over and fires off 2 rounds into Superman to make sure he's dead, and then he notices that he got blood on his sneaks and is all like "Damn!"

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Plagerizmo

A couple of recent college grads make a blog about ideas for movies, but their ideas are so good that a studio exec start stealing them. But because the blog posts are dated the blog is enough evidence to sue the studios. Because they don't want to face a lawsuit one exec hires some hitmen to take out the two kids and make it look like an accident, but they figure it out and set a trap for the hitmen and kill them. They then plant the bodies in the execs apartment and and pin the murders on him making it look like it was a deal gone wrong.

It's Big Fat Liar meets Home Alone, set in the young, sexy, fast paced business world of Antitrust.

Dead Teachers Society

Here is a good movie idea that I turned in for class once. It was about a student (Richard) who has fantastic movie ideas and turns them in to his teacher (Molly). His teacher (Molly) gives him (Richard) poor marks. Then the student (Richard) turns in a fantastic movie idea in which a teacher (Megan) gives a student (Dick) poor marks, and then the student (Dick) kills the teacher (Megan). The teacher (Molly) writes "This is sick, I'm reporting you, F" and returns it to the student (Richard). However, the teacher (Molly) goes missing before that report is ever made.

Needless to say, the teacher (my teacher) was not thrilled with the student (me). I don't think she ever disappeared though. It was a harmless jest.

**Also, this is an important addendum, Jodie Foster still has got it goin' on!!!

Oscar

I am calling this Oscar because 1. that is the name of the main character, but also 2. it is such a good idea that I would probably win an Oscar for it when I am done writing it. Here it goes:

So there is this troubled teen, Oscar, from a small town who just doesn't fit in with the small town way of life and he longs to escape to the city, but he is still a Junior in high school. Because he feels so trapped, and because the people of the town treat him poorly because of his differences he decides that he is going to kill himself. The problem is that he can't figure out what way he is going to do it because he wants his suicide to be special. His Mom can tell that not being able to decide how to kill himself really bothers Oscar so she puts an ad in the local paper offering $1,000 to whoever can come up with the idea for committing suicide that Oscar chooses to use.

At first there is a lot of competition within the community because everyone wants to win the money, but because Oscar still can't decide which way he wants to do it nobody wins the money. Then, unexpectedly, the town really comes together and rallies around Oscar to help him figure out how to kill himself.

Oscar feels the love and support of the whole town. And the community really bonds together because of their common goal. So Oscar gains an appreciation for his small town and decides that he doesn't want to kill himself after all.

I'm open to suggestions on the ending, but I was thinking it would be ironic and also very poignant if after he decided not to kill himself he was running to his mother's work to tell her the good news and he got hit by a car and died. The other possibility that I also really like is that when he tells everyone that he has decided not to kill himself, they are all really disappointed because his death was bringing them all together and also because they did all that work for nothing, so now everyone hates him again including his mom, so he just sticks a shotgun in his mouth and pulls the trigger. The end.

The Bridges of Mendocino County

When we were driving through Northern California (me and griffin), I told him about how I wondered how these people ended up here--living off of highway 1, facing the ocean, in the middle of nowhere, no neighbors for miles... just near this bridge. And I said... "Well, there was probably like this guy and he wanted to commit suicide and he was like 'But if I'm going to go, and I'm only going to go once, I'm going to go with style,' and so he set out to find the prettiest bridge in the world to jump off of, and he started driving up Highway 1 and there was this one bridge and it was GORGEOUS and he almost jumped off it but then he was like 'Well, wait this is just the first bridge, let me check out what else there is,' so he kept going and he was like 'Oh MAN THHHIIISSS is the bridge,' but he saw another one off in the distance and wanted to check it out... and he loved all the bridges, they were all so beautiful... they were all so beautiful that he couldn't decide which one he wanted to jump off of... this puzzled him to no end, since he couldn't decide, he didn't jump off one, and just lived there.... lived right where he came to die, and that's how these people got here..." to which griffin said "The tragedy is that we can only commit suicide once." which I thought was a very funny thing to say...