Monday, June 4, 2012

Dr. Who's the Boss

The Time Lord's TARDIS inexplicably brings him to Connecticut, 1985. The Doctor is forced to find work as a live-in housekeeper for a divorced advertising exec. Things are going okay. The doctor and his boss are slowly learning to love each other. Then the Daleks come and KILL THEM ALL.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

New Birthday Song/Movie Idea!

Happy happy birthday to me
My gift to myself is a real killing spree
I've killed one, I've killed two, and now I'll kill three
Don't worry, I'll make sure you go painlessly.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


Anne the redheaded orphan is the one orphan no one wants. Mainly because she has red hair... but also because she has diabetes and it has turned into one nasty case of gangrene... on her face. One stern yet lovable yet gutsy older lady named Martha decides to take a chance. Anne shows up at the house, and immediately Martha is taken aback, not because she has gangrene, but because she's a girl. Martha thought she was adopting a gangrenous boy orphan!!! HO ho ho, all is well though. Martha keeps her and Anne starts going to school, where the children mercilessly taunt her, calling here "Gangranne, Gangranne, the girl whose face looks like a fan...nee!" One boy named Gilbert is especially mean. He is sitting behind her in class one day, and decides to pull her pigtails -- harmless, right? Wrong. Her scalp has also become infected with gangrene. When Gilbert pulls off her pigtail, her whole scalp comes off, and then there's nothing holding up the face half of her head-skin, so that falls off too and there she sits -- skull-faced. Gilbert is a peculiarly gifted child in the comic arts, so he then dons her scalp and does his best impression of her, "Lookit me!!!!! I'm Gangrannnnnne!!!!!!" Even the teacher laughed.

Friday, November 21, 2008


So... just in case I find myself in a sorority house and someone asks me what I'm doing these days, I've come up with the following story to tell them.

"So what do you do?"

"Me? I'm a director. I just directed a kids' movie. It just came out. It should be in Wal-Mart pretty soon."

"That's cool. You working on anything now?"

"Yeah, actually. It's the story of a famous director -- he mainly directs Disney movies and is just bored with it. He decides that he just wants to do something that's a little more interesting to him... something about serial killers. So he starts doing some 'research.' He does this by hanging out at college campuses and sorority houses meeting girls. He tells them that he's a director, and they're normally pretty impressed (it being California, everyone has a dream, though hidden it may be in the back of their heads, that they too could probably be a famous actor). Soon enough, they start making out, and then the director says, 'Hey, let's get out of here.' So then they go to the park or something, and he kills them with, I dunno, probably a hammer or his car keys or something."


"So... are you um feeling dangerous or what?"

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


Geoff Samuels is a good and wholesome young man. He has been brought up to be responsible, and has, in a good and respectable manner, found himself an honest job. Every day, before work, Geoff irons a fresh white shirt. "I am a lucky young man," he frequently says, as he irons, "for I have always wanted to have an honest job, to which I could wear a crisp white shirt every day." Geoff was brought up to believe that things turn out right, and they certainly are turning out right... except for one thing. Geoff desperately, desperately wants a wife. He has a great job that allows him to wear crisp, white shirts, and he has a new black 2005 Honda Civic (he keeps this car shiny by washing it every Monday afternoon), and he is saving up money for a down payment on his own home. He does not however have a lot of confidence in the girl department. That being the case, Geoff keeps himself busy by watching movies.

Now, as previously mentioned, Geoff is a good and wholesome young man. "I do not just watch any old comedy or drama or dramedy," says he. "No, I only watch the most good and most wholesome movies... Disney movies." As Geoff begins to feel more and more lonely, he turns to his old friends for comfort -- Pinocchio, Aladdin, The Princess Bride, The Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White... It is while he is watching these last two movies that Geoff has an epiphany which will change his life.

"Oh my goodness gracious!" he exclaims. "I have just realized something. It is the most fantastic luck for me, because I now know how I can find my true love." The next morning, as usual, Geoff ironed a white shirt. He did so with a special gusto, making the lines on his sleeves as straight as possible. "Today I must look my best, for today is the day that I will meet my wife." After getting dressed (he wore a red tie, "Red is a powerful color, it will impress my wife"), Geoff hurries out the door and goes to the mortuary. Why the mortuary? Well, you see, Geoff is a mortician. Granted, he is not the mortician (that is Ed, whose gray hair nicely contrasts his own crisp, white shirts)... he is more of a junior-level, apprentice-type mortician. But, as noted, it is an honest job, and one day Ed will finally succumb to his work, and Geoff will take his place. Anyway, Geoff hurries into the mortuary and goes downstairs to the "locker room." Once there, he starts opening all of the refrigerated drawers, and evaluating their contents.

"Oh, she is too old..."
"Oh, she is too fat..."
"Oh, she is blond, she might work..."

Within five minutes, Geoff has selected three possible wife candidates. He knows with all of his heart that one of these lucky girls is going to be his beautiful bride. He has also identified his plan D (just in case none of his first choices work), a redhead. Geoff places the three of them onto gurneys, and lines them up one next to the other. They are beautiful! Each is laid out in her Sunday best. Their cool cheeks show a healthy pink glow, thanks to Ed's wife's artful touch. Geoff stands next to the head of the gurneys, and lowers his head until his face is almost touching that of the first girl.

"Are you the one?" he whispers, and then he kisses her (Spiderman style) on her dead, pink lips. He moves to the second girl. "Are you the one?" Another tender kiss. He moves to the third girl and repeats the ritual. When he looks up, Ed is standing in the doorway. His eyes go to Geoff's slightly smudged and unnaturally pink mouth. He is terribly confused.

"Geoff, tell me you're not kissing these dead girls..."

"But Ed, I am. I have kissed each one. Have you seen 'Snow White?'"

"But Geoff," says Ed, as he starts crying a little, "why my little Mary... Why'd you have to do this to her? Why not just the others?"

"Well, I have always had a little bit of a crush on your little Mary, and I have always thought she might make a nice wife."

"Geoff, she's dead. They're all dead... This is sick, this is wrong!"

"But Daddy," says a new voice as both heads swivel to its source, "I'm not dead... Geoff's true love has made me alive."

Mary rises off the gurney and rushes to Geoff. He falls to one knee, and places a ring on her still cold finger. "Mary, will you marry me?"

"Of course I will, Geoff. Of course."

The two lovers embrace and kiss once more. POOF! A skeleton in dark robes appears. He is holding a giant scythe. It is Death. "As I have been robbed today of one life, another life must be given to restore the balance." After saying that, Death chops of Ed's head. "Lo -- it is okay now." With another POOF!, Death vanishes.

Needless to say, both Geoff and Mary are astounded at this surreal turn of events. Geoff turns to Mary and says, "I am the luckiest man in the world, like the Duke of Earl." Mary says, "And I am your girl... the Duchess of Earl! Also, what a powerful tie that is! I do like it so." The two then pick up Ed's pieces and place them on the now empty gurney, and they live happily ever after.


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Saturday, October 25, 2008

Little Shop of Whores

The costume shop on the corner seems like any other costume shop. They have a variety of costumes ranging from naughty nurse to sexy kitten. But as a group of 4 young, hot, and stupid friends are about to find out, it is anything but normal.

It's Halloween already but Chase, Mia, Beth, and Tom still haven't decided what they are going to dress up as, so they are going to the costume shop just to browse and get some ideas. While they are there Tom discovers a secret room in the back. A sign on the door reads "Enter at your own risk!" Tom's curiosity gets the better of him and inside he finds a room full of dusty shelves and random items here and there, including a magic 8 ball. The creepy Asian guy who owns the costume shop warns Tom about the magic 8 ball saying that it can only tell you what you will be for Halloween, but it is always 100% accurate.

The four friends think that the 8 ball must be broken when it tells all of them that they will be rapists. But it isn't broken. It isn't broken at all.

Friday, October 24, 2008

My Boyfriend's Back... For More

Dave and Sue like to make out in the dark. They especially like to make out in the dark after Halloween parties while Sue is still wearing her slutty Halloween outfit. Tonight, as they are making out in Sue's basement, they both notice that it's a little sloppier than normal, but they keep going for it anyway. After a few minutes Sue stops Dave and says "Wow, you're making it kinda wet tonight huh?"

"Me, you're the one drooling all over the place." Dave replies.

Sue gets up and turns on the light. When they see each other they gasp-- Their faces are both smeared with blood.

"What happened?" Beth asks.

Dave answers, "I don't know Sue, either you gave me a bloody nose cause you were going at it so hard, OR I am trying to eat you cause I am an effing Zombie, Bitch!"

Turns out it was the second one. And he did eat her. Well... her brain at least. Though he found it to be less than filling.

Of course, I could have told him that by looking at her Halloween costume.