LA Story

Terry is trying to meet some ladies. His friends at the office set him up with a girl they know. "A real looker," they promise. Her name is Rita, and she's their waitress at the local TGIF. Terry picks her up and takes her to a nice little Italian restaurant called Italios. They have some incredibly interesting small talk about how Rita is trying to become a model and an actress. Terry has no ambition--it having been completely beat out of him by college. Rita continues--she just did a commercial, that was like, totally the funnest day ever. All she had to do was lie in a bikini in the sand and drink margaritas and she did! And they were real! And she totally got wasted! And paid for it! Terry nods. He's really enjoying himself. At that very moment, Bruce Willis walks in. "OH MY GOSH!!!! It's BRUCE... BRUCE WILLIS!" she points to Bruce Willis. "Isn't this like totally blowing your mind?" Terry thinks about this, then nods. "You know, it is." At this point, Terry's head explodes just like a watermelon with an M80.

The Dark Knight Returns

Nevermind.

10 Things I Hate About Losing 27 Dresses in 10 Days

Ok, so there is like this guy and this girl who are both writers and they meet like once or twice and they totally judge each other and don't like each other. But then they realize that they can use each other to write a story that will get them a promotion so they start spending a lot of time together. But the thing is that they start actually liking each other. Then they fight and it is really hot so they just start making out instead of fighting. At some point they have sex. For a while things are going really well but for some unknown reason they never really communicate and tell each other about the real reason that they started spending time together, maybe they are like afraid to or something. Then they find out about each others original intentions and she gets pissed and she won't let him explain that he really does love her and vice versa, so then they go their seperate ways until they realize that they still love each other and one of them races to find the other one to tell them how they feel while the other one frantically writes a poem about how in love they are. And they make out some more.

They live happily ever after.

...That is until the lust wears off and they go through a messy divorce and end up hating each other after battling it out for custody of their two children.

North by Northeastern

"Hello Roger!" yells Roger's mother up at him. "It's time to get up now!" Roger doesn't answer. He has run away. He has run to a boardwalk in New Jersey, and has fallen in with a gang. A really bad gang. This gang is the talk of the town, the people AND police are even scared of this gang! Roger at first is happy to find friends, but he realizes (after witnessing some horrible things) that they are evil. They induct him into their gang by tattooing their gang name on his forearm. Their gang is called "Chain of Gangs." He decides he wants to leave, but they won't let him go. They say that now their name is on him, and he's with them now. So he's handcuffed in a cellar, but he calls his mom and she's like, "Come home, Roger, come home." So he does, but to do that he bites his arm off (the one with the name) and he's like "Now your name isn't on me!!" But you can't recover from something like that, and he dies.

South

When white supremisist Norton Bailey turns 18 his white supremisist parents reveal to him that he is not their biological son. This shakes the foundations of Norton's reality, he suddenly finds himself flooded with questions about who he really is. So Norton seeks out an agency that reunites estranged family members through DNA testing. The test results come in the mail and reveal that Norton's real father is a man named Charles. The letter also designates a time and place where they can meet. When Norton arrives at the park where the meeting was arranged the only person there is a black man who turns out to be Norton's father Charles. Norton really struggles with this revelation because he was always taught that poeple from other races were subhuman, but as he sits down and talks to Charles he learns a valuable lesson: People should only be judged by the good that they accomplish in life, not by the color of their parents skin. However a 20 minute chat with some guy at a park isn't going to erase 18 years of neo-nazi indoctrination and he still belives that people should be judged on the color of their own skin. So he lynches Charles. When he gets back to his adoptive parents and tells them about everything they have a much different view point on the situation. They believe that you should be judged by the color of you parents skin because you aren't really white unless you are pure white. So they slip Norton some heavy sleeping pills and hang him in the tree in the backyard. I think that Angelina Jolie would be perfect for the part of Nortons racist Mother.

Christmas with the Crank

Okay--so somehow Santa makes a horrible mistake and mixes up all of his orders from rural areas in West Virginia with those of little schoolchildren. The parents are a little surprised to find amphetamines under the tree, but their general feeling is one of trust towards Santa, so they let it slide thinking, "Well, Santa has been doing this for a long time. He probably knows what he's doing." Anyway--they were wrong. Those kids are dead now.

Wishes

Tom is turning 30. He is still single and he hasn't really accomplished much with his life so he is apprehensive about his upcoming birthday. A good friend of Tom's is a succesful archeologist and brings Tom a present from one of his excavations for his birthday. It is an ancient oil lamp and one day as Tom is polishing it a Genie comes out and tells him that he has three wishes. The next day Tom gets fired from his job as the night manager at Radio Shack, and as he is contemplating how his crappy life just got even crappier he says "I wish I was dead." Well at that moment the genie appears and shoots him in the face. Then he wakes up in hell (cause let's face it God is not going to let some schmuck wish his way into heaven) and he is like "where am I" and the genie is there and tells him he is dead. Then Tom asks why asks why the genie shot him instead of using his genie magic, and the genie is like "I am just a genie I don't have power over life and death... which incidentaly means if you wish to be alive again there is nohing I can really do about that." So then Tom is way bummed and he lives the next week in hell and it really sucks cause everyone is so depressed and all there is to do is walk to the library of hell and the only books they have are R.L. Stien's Goosebumps series. So Tom is like "Man I wish Hell didn't suck so bad" so then the Genie brings him a pool table and a Nintendo Wii. After a couple days Tom starts to make a lot of friends because on the Wii you can make little people that look like you and the people in hell thnk that is pretty cool. So Tom begins to like being dead more than being alive except that he is really thirsty so he wishes for 64 ounce Coke. But then the coke is flat.